What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 09:17
Ive learnt so much.
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What is it like to be the slave in a mistress-slave relationship?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
What’s the worst thing you caught anyone in your family doing?
I could never make a relationship work though!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do I want to be caught sucking dick by my wife?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Do conservative white women like black men?
I was very sick at this time too.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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I think the readers, may guess!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was 9 years of age.
What is the worst emotional pain you ever felt as an adult?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why do many women like tall men?
It was going to be , some day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was seconnd youngest,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Comes on , in middle age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She found it foreign!.
She loved him until the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it wasn’t much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I said to her
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We all went to grammer schools
She married twice! .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
All the time i was locked up.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was in good health!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When she asked me how she looked .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im still living with it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Put me off passion for life!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My family never makes their pension either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
Would this be the day?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were not on the streets..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was scared of men, in general
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Who then, do I blame.?